What’s New with Vince Vance & The Valiants

VINCE’S NEW WEB SITE www.vincevance.biz has all the video of Vince Vance. Download the music  and video to your computer, make your own cd’s visit now, www.vincevance.biz.

Just a note for now.

 We are all excited about out new web site www.vincevance.biz.  It has a lot of new and exciting content on Vince and the band.  Video,  sound, slideshows and more.  Visit www.vincevance.biz now and let us know what you think.

More about the new site to come latter but you can visit it now.  www.vincevance.biz

The Atheist and the Shark

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”

Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend | Top

The CEO

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

Things You Don’t Want to Hear Over an Airline PA

Top Things You Don’t Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, we’re going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it’s all part of our airline’s new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o’clock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..

Excuses for Not Coming to Work

- I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

- If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all my guns today.

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Kroger.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

- The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

More Animal Truisms

If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea

The Lexus

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”

Comment on this Story | Printer Friendly | Send Story to a Friend | Top

Mother’s Wedding Dress

A couple was getting married, and it was only three days before the wedding. The bride calls her mother with some bad news. “Mom,” she says, “I just found out that my fiance’s mother has bought the exact same dress as you to wear to the wedding.”

The bride’s mother thinks for a minute. “Don’t worry,” she tells her daughter. “I’ll just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.”

“But mother,” says the bride, “that dress cost a fortune. What will you do with it? It’s such a waste not to use it.”

“Who said I won’t use it?” her mother asked. “I’ll just wear it to the rehearsal dinner.”